Monday, May 24, 2010

Finding space

I'm having one of those early morning moments - not a bad sleepless, must chew over those things we cannot change kind of moments - instead one of those precious, time stolen in the wee hours whilst the house slumbers kind of moments. In the quiet the important things seem to rise to the surface.
One of the things I have felt most anxious about lately is my wee precious girl and how she will find her feet in our soon to be expanded household. How do I help her carve out her place? To let her know that my precious, independent, creative, loving, stroppy, humour filled, sensitive, adventurous, sparkly electric, wee banshee is still just amazing and much loved in her Mama's eyes and has a firm, unwavering place in her heart. I am constantly questioning whether I'm up to it, you know, this mothering malarky? But I know this is just prebirth jitters, right? Because as a friend once told me ... just when you think it can't be possible to feel any more, the heart just expands to make room for the new love you are overwhelmed with when new bairns arrive.
Just feeling reflective that's all. It must really suck to have a Mama that can no longer get down on the floor to do puzzles - or take you for long walks and adventures. Whose dancing repetoire has shrunk considerably and no longer includes lifts and vigorous wiggling. Who no longer has a lap to sit on. Guess the escalation in tantrum throwing is justified when you look through smaller eyes. Guess she is looking forward to their arrival as much as me ... she is just sure that they should be careful not to break my belly button when they are coming out... who am I to shatter her visions of possible baby exit points?
No questions that haven't been asked by millions of mothers before me - just my question to ponder at this moment...

10 comments:

trash said...

You are definitely not alone in these feelings.

astrogirl529 said...

When I had my second child and was in hospital I missed my son so much, I cried my eyes out when my husband took him home. Could have been the 3rd day blues, but I just missed him so much. They cope and they end up loving those younger siblings and being such a great help.

Fer said...

Ditto what 'trash' said. I still wonder if I'm up for this mothering malarky, but what I have learnt is to trust my instincts and try to understand what they're trying to tell us!

Recycled Relix said...

Doubts are so normal..... they are what makes us better mothers.... because we are always looking for ways to better our childrens upbringing. As a mother of a 16 and 10 year old I am still trying to better my mothering skills and everyday I am reminded of how some of them must have been ok! When my son was born 5 & 1/2 years after my daughter I was very unsure but all that changed once he was put to the breast. It all came rushing back and the mothering, lioness instinct came back full force. You will do ok Gemma regardless of your fears now..... Hope all goes well today XX Cathy

willywagtail said...

Your friend is very wise. It will all work out. Just make sure you hold your little one wherever possible over the twins to start with. It is a juggle of bonding with the new ones and showing the older one that (to their mind maybe) they still come first. Eventually she will then accept that all your children come first. All the best and hope your belly button doesn't "pop". I always felt like mine would. It's amazing how thin it can get and still bounce back. Cherrie

Bek said...

I'm pondering all this too as I await my 3rd baby's arrival in September. Thanks for posting about your pondering so perfectly.

mrs smith said...

I hear you.
As some country singer who I can't remember once said " Some days are diamonds, etc ...". You will love her and she you and you will both love the brothers who are on their way and you will all adore and drive each other nuts. One day you will find that she's pinched one just to see what they would do, and they will grow up learning how to wind her up and set her spinning like a top. Some days you will feel like you have it in hand, other days will feel like you've lost it. The love is there, that's what counts. That and, as Peter Pan once said, who I don't think ever dabbled in any kind of country singing, a little 'faith trust and pixie dust".

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

As always Mrs. Smith has got it just right .
Probably at the end of week one , Edie will tell you that you can send the babies back now , thanks .After a row of sleepless nights you'll be thinking the same !
But you'll still cuddle her and listen to her and read to her and giggle with her and cut her bread into funny shapes , take her for walks and watch her dance .....and you'll love it all , however tired. She sounds a very secure , happy little girl and that won't change . And once the boys are bigger and begin to smile and try to copy her , she'll realise she's doubled her fan base !
Just don't , at any time in the next six moths , even for a second , try to clean your house or iron anything . There are limits !

Black Eyed Susie said...

Chloe says (in a "how stupid are you" voice) "Babies DON'T come out of belly buttons mummy."

She was pretty mean to Arj today, I was pretty mean to her back. These are only moments though. She's got to adjust to him getting her stuff now and I've got to get better at managing them both!

Poppy said...

If Maddy had the choice of our family reverting back to when it was just the three of us, she would not choose it. She would say she has gained more than she has lost.
Why, just this morning, she and Solly were playing their favourite game together - Solly pulling books off the bookshelf and throwing them to Maddy, Maddy then throwing them in the fireplace. Sibling love...